Why must everything be so difficult....

Why... why does this keep happening to me... Why cant I stop... Why cant I succeed... Why must everything be so difficult... WHY MUST IT BE SO GOD DAMN DIFFICULT...

No matter how much I try... I can't seem to get to where I want to be... It seems I am always unable to succeed at what I do... I've lost everything... Everything I hold dear to me... I feel like I'm losing trust from my family... I feel like the world doesn't want me to move on... No one is being supportive of me... No one seems to care... And all of this is reminding me of how lonely I was... How angry I use to be... How much rage... was Built up inside me...

Anger... Hatred... Betrayed... It's all triggering my negative emotions... I WANT IT TO STOP!! But I cant control it! I don't know who to turn to talk about it... And the people who I talk about it to don't take it seriously!! I had to cancel out my emotions in order to control myself... and to my luck it worked...

And lately... I found out a good friend of mine passed away... and he was such a good friend to me... I met him when I first started playing those trading card games... and we both became good friends along with a few others... and though he might have been around 4 - 5 years older then me... but he was a great friend nether less... And... just hearing he passed away... struck a blow in me... and we didn't know until the news came to where we were... Pak... may you rest in peace... And may the spirits guide you to your happy place...

When things just starts to go wrong... It just gets worse... worse to worst to unbearable... I feel like breaking down and crying right now... I just want the world to stop moving... and rewind to the time when I was happy... When everything was right... When everything was going well... And to when I was really happy with you my dear... I miss those days...

But... I musn't be defeated... I have to get up... I have to move on... I have to keep getting to where you are... I want you to be proud of me... And I may always have all these hardship... But I always here your voice in my head... you always telling me... "Go Zenji, you can do it... I have faith in you... Always..." I can't give up... not now... I can't fall... not again... I have to move on... I have to get there... I have to show everyone that I am worthy... and that I'm not a failure...