Never Ending Nights

For where there is light, There must be darkness, Neither can exist without the other...

Sleepless Night...

Well I'm having one of those days again... I'm having trouble sleeping again... *sigh* I can't understand why I have these days... I believe there is a lot of things on my mind at the moment... well... now I'm going to list what is on my mind at the moment...

First of is that I'm pretty worried about my assignment... I'm still having problems with my C Programming assignment... It's starting to become really confusing... And I'm having trouble putting the codes together... but I think my Visual Basic assignment might be a bit better since I have an idea for my program which might get me a good grade...

Second is that our Annual Ball is next week and I haven't even been able to go shopping for my clothes that I'm going to wear for the ball... Just haven't got the chance to go out and buy my outfit... But I have to go soon and buy my clothes as soon as possible...

Third is that my Birthday is coming up... and for some reason I'm really not looking forward to it... I guess I feel as if there there isn't anything to look forward to anything... its just another day... A day which I just get a year older... *sigh* I feel like all the happiness has been sucked out of me...

Fourth my exam is coming up as well... and it is the same week as my Birthday... but for some reason its not as bad because I still don't think that many people will remember my birthday... it always happens... and it will happen again... so I starting to not care as much...

Fifth is that tomorrow is when my parents and siblings are going to Singapore tomorrow and I'll be home alone tomorrow... and I for some reason I feel like I'm not going to enjoy it... but I cant follow due to I have a lot of work to do... Assignment... Assessment... and a lot of other college work...

Well I'm also planning a special gift for someone this Christmas, and I know she won't be able to get it out of me this time LOL.

So yea there are still a lot of other reasons on my mind... but I'll leave it for another night... as for now... good night mum, good night dad, good night sisters and good night my friends...

Life is what you want it to be

A lot of things happened this week and everything seemed to be very hectic, some tiring, stressful, and even life changing. First of was I got most of my exam results and surprisingly I did pretty good (although I haven't got my law marks I'm happy with my programming results).

Hectic mostly because of my groups assignment for law was due on Monday and we had to rush and practice for the actual thing and the thing is we haven't even practiced because our schedule really made it difficult, but now its over and I can finally relax a bit. Been feeling a bit tired for awhile too, mostly because of my work and sometimes I play WoW and sometimes it goes on late through the night lol. But I'm getting use to my new sleeping pattern, although I tend to be sleepy after I wake up.

Stressful because I've been studying harder this term too, I don't want to be a failure in my life and I want to make the people around me proud of me too. But I guess there are good and bad things about the stress, the good is that it allows me to somewhat consentrate while studying and to motivate me to try and push my limits, the bad is that if I go way over my limit I might get a break down and well it wont be pretty.

The life changing part was that a special freind and I had a "Letting Out" conversation, which we let out a lot of things that we were keeping form each other and things that we didn't even know about each others background. But at first my special freind thought I would be angry, but I wasnt... I'm just glad for the first time someone told me what I was doing wrong... But it made me sit down and think... and now I'm trying to change my life for the better... And I feel all the thanks I gave you isn't enough to show how much I appriciate having you in my life... And I don't know what life has in store for us, but I hope that you will always be by my side so that we can go through this together...

So life really isn't in the hand of God sometimes. God has given us a mind to make choices and decisions for our own, hands to allow us to create and shape our own destiny, legs to allows us to walk the path we want to walk on, and a heart to allow us to hold everyone we hold dear to us. So whatever you decision is, it is yours to make and yours alone, and no matter where you go in life, always remember there are people who love and care for you, they will give you the strength to carry on and allow us to advance further in life.

-zenji

To Someone special...

Someone was feeling down so I thought I might dedicate this post to her and try to bring up her spirit a bit.

I know thing haven't been going the way you planned sometimes but you always have to look at the other side of the coin, there will always be good and bad days and I want to be there to help you get through it, you are a strong girl my angel and you make everyone around you happy and full of laughter, you showed me I can make a difference in my life and that I would be able to shape my own future... And I know that we cant be together... but I don't want to let go of your hand... You brought the light into my life... and I want to bring it into out future...

Here are some of the photos which you took this year... some of the memories you have:

Taking picture with my hat at WiFi area (one of my favorite photos)

Another gorgeous picture of you (hehe)

Hehe don't you look lovely^^

Your "Siti Nurhaliza" look

After the CAP event (you really looked beautiful on that day)

Valentines day (looking as beautiful as ever)

Your B'day outing (I am not going to show any photos of me on that day :p)

You in your study area

Another of my favorite photos of you^^

You are a strong girl my angel... and I know you will be able to overcome any obstacle that comes in your way... You have the ability to shape your own destiny and I know you will give it your all. You will always carry my faith and... My love with you where ever you go. We are connected by a red string (in Japaneses legend, 2 people who are in love are joined together by an invisible red string). I will do my very best to support you in anyway I can and if the Wheel of Fate was kind... lead you back into my arms... And to end this post I'll be putting up the lyrics of my song (the video still needs work so please excuse me lol:

No Matter How I Try,
It Gets Harder For Me,
To Say How Much You Mean To Me,
I Feel,
Like I'm Always Lost In Words,
Of What I Wanna Say,

But Now,
I Know What I Must Tell You,
Whats here Inside My Heart,
(Inside My Heart)

You Mean the World To Me,
Your Smile Keeps Me Going,
I Don't Wanna Know,
What Life Will Be Without You,
Your The Light In My Life,
The Shinning Star Which Guides Me,
And I still Have More To Say,
Of How Much You Mean To Me,

As The Days Passes By,
I Feel My Heart Breaking,
Into A Thousand Pieces,
It Feels,
Like There Is An Empty Void,
Of Where My Heart Use To Be,

When Your Here,
My Heart Is mending,
Of How It Use To Be,
(Use to Be)

You Mean the World To Me,
Your Smile Keeps Me Going,
I Don't Wanna Know,
What Life Will Be Without You,
Your The Light In my Life,
The Shinning Star Which Guides Me,
And I Still Have More To Say,
Of How Much You Mean To Me,

And I'll Be Right Here,
Waiting For A Sign,
To Tell Me,
That Your Still In Love With Me,
And I Don't Care,
How Long It Takes,
I Just Want To Hear Your Say...
That I Love You...

I Hope You Know...

Just How Much You Mean To Me,
I Want To Be Your Forever,
To Hold You In My Arms,
And To Tell You,
How Much I Love You,
Your My Beacon Of Hope,
Which Guides Me Through The Darkness
And I Hope You Understand,
Just How Much...
You Mean To Me.

Song: What You Mean to Me
Author: Zenji

Sick Days...

For the past two day I've been in a very sick state... And to be honest I still am in a sick state... More towards dizzy actually... I cant really explain how I got sick... Just suddenly 2 days ago I felt something terrible wrong with my body... and I think I worried you my angel... and the 2 nights ago I was really sick and I couldn't sleep at all... I felt so warm... burning up real bad and I couldn't stop it... I felt like I was going to die... and weird images in my head... made the matter a lot worse... its during these times which makes me miss you a lot more then usual my angel... and I also wish my mum was here too so that she can take me to the doctors... my dad was too busy with his party that he forgot how sick I was... and what more he wanted me to entertain his guest which they can all clearly see that I wasn't feeling well to do anything... my grandmother wanted me to go home to get some rest... even my uncle said I started to look pale... but my father insisted that I stay at the party and also to make sure I can carry all his presents and food home for him... after I got back I felt so tired that I changed to my pajamas and went straight to bed hoping that this nightmare would end...

3 Piece Painting

Well its been a while since my cousin and me formed a band, there are good things which came with this, made me closer with my cousin and we found out that we really make a really good team together. Our first ever live performance was a the Charity Aids Concert @ HELP and we really did our best (even though some else sang one of the songs WE were suppose to sing =.=) but we did our best and we made it through.

Our 2nd performance was at the Newbie Night for the new students at HELP and that was one of our best performance I guess not going to judge everything yet because officially it was only 2 times lol.

But I'm glad of the bond it brought us and how close we got together and I'm glad... to have started this... Especially since it was with my cousins.... my Family.... Guys lets work to make a better future in the music industry!!! 3 Piece Painting now and always!!

And as a special treat for you all, here is our testing Band Logo;


If your all wonder, no its not the number '13' I wanted to try something original a bit so I combined 'P + P = this logo' so please excuse me its still in the testing stage :p

Raya...

Ok now that the first day of Raya is over, I thought I might talk about it and the difference of this year and my past Raya experience. First of, I want to thank everyone who wished me today and I also hope that all my muslim friends had a good first day of Raya.

Ok now I'll look at the differences of this year and the past years of Raya.

First of was that this year me and my dad prayed at the masjid near our house, it was small but in a way comfortable due that there weren't many people praying at the masjid. Usually me and my dad would go follow my grandfather to go pray at Masjid Negara, but due to his condition we couldn't go with him, that started a chain reaction of old memeories which made me think of where all those times went... and I felt like there was an empty space deep down inside me and wondering how these feelings came to be...

Second was that the order of the visiting was a bit different too, usually we would stay at my grandfathers house and wait for the other relatives to come after prayer, but now it was different because since we went to pray at the masjid near my house, we went to my other grandmothers (mum's side) house first, the order just felt a bit... different... or too different since I was so use to going to my other grandparents (dad's side) house first... just felt that it was a bit too different...

Third, was that it seemed like even though all my cousins, uncles and aunts were at one place, I just felt that everyone was so busy with other things and everyone kept more towards their families rather the comunicating with the each other... and I just felt... like it was very... quite...

Fourth, was after we had visited my our other relatives house we went straight back to my other grandmothers house (mum's side) and to our surprise... many of my aunty and uncles were already leaving... 4 car fulls of them... and once we fianlly got out of the car and joined the others at the open house, there was something very disturbing... the place was so quite that I could hear a pin drop and I would be able to hear it... *sigh* and there were many empty tables as well and empty seats... I use to remember when the place would be packed and the sound of people enjoying themselves could be heard... but all I heard was the sound of the caterer cooking the food and the sound of the Ice Cacang machine going on and off... and when I was there... even surrounded by my other family members... just felt very lonely...

so far my Raya today wasn't all that great from my point of view... there were just so many differences of the past years that really effected how I felt when this year came... And I wonder where all those good times went... and wondered where all those good times had gone...

here is a list of what I missed this year and will always stay in my memories:
1. Going to Masjid Negara with my grandfather when I was young and how tall and different I became everytime I went.
2. Smiling and bonding family members during open houses
3. Sound of laughter and a packed Raya open house at my grandmothers house
4. Seeing most of other relatives

but there were some good things that happend too... that i cannot forget...

My childhood friend david came to visit me from indonessia and my cousin from japan came home and visited me too and I was really happy to see them both... You two really made me happy and so did you Tawfik thanks for coming to visit me on Raya too... And you too my angle... for all those lovely smses you sent me... I'll tell you all what happend on the 2nd day... till then my friends... Jia Ne

Stress... Lonelyness... Anger...

Well this is my temporary blog until my new one is up, or if it cant be up I'll just continue to use this, whichever happens...

Been awhile since I last blogged, been too busy I guess... Lots has happened from when I last blogged and now... First off is that I started my new term in HELP University College a couple of weeks ago... My cousins and I formed a band which is called "3 Piece Painting" and we really enjoy what we do... My mum and dad aren't seeing eye to eye anymore after my mum found out that my dad was seeing another girl behind her back... Been very stressed with college work and all, I really want to do well this term and hopefully by the end of the year I'll be leaving to Osaka, Japan for furthering my studies... So yea... Lots has been happening...

Well... Today wasn't the start of a good day I guess... woke up with chest pain and heart burn... I smsed someone very special to me... and later my dad made me late for one of my gatherings with my old cosplay buddies (by 1hour and 30min to be exact) and he kept lecturing me on how I don't have enough responsibility around the house and that he feels I don't really study at all and just kept shooting me down... *sigh* I really hate those days... After that I just went up in my room and sat on my bed... I felt really cold... I felt so alone... and I felt so angry... I missed my mother... eventhough she scolds me sometimes, I feel she is one of the only person in my family that I can talk to... and I felt so lost without her... she guided me through a lot of harsh and painful lessons... and I keep on regretting on that I never told her how much I loved her... and after that I kept thinking about someone who is special to me... Its been awhile since we broke up now... but yet... I cant stop thinking about her... I really needed her today... I could just put my head on her shoulder and cry as long as could... I hear her say that it was going to be alright... and I wonder if she still thinks about me as I do of her... and I'm angry at my dad for cheating behind my mothers back... he really disrespected the name of our family... but I know I must not stay angry at him for long... because he still is my own flesh and blood...

So my day wasnt great at all... just really stressful... and I feel so alone... I wish you were here with me now... my angle... bring me away from all this pain... and lonelyness... and help me regain the abillity to smile once again... and remember all the times we were both together... and a time when me... you... and my family were happy together... as a family again...

But no matter what I must not forget my priorities... I have to do well... I have to make my mother proud me... make you proud of me... I know I can do it... I know I will succed... and I know that I will shape a future for me and for all those that I hold close to me...