Things are starting to go wrong...

Not more on my social or studies... But more towards my body... You remember I mentioned I had Angina? (if not means that I haven't blogged about it before) Well lately its been coming back and it gotten really painful since yesterday... And I'm not really sure whats the cause of it this time (well I might know but I refuse to either talk about it or doesn't want to admit it...) But I hope it goes away soon... Cause I'll be having a really busy weekend... (sort of...) and I need my strength to do what I need to do... *sigh* I really need a hug...

Days are stressful and long...

*sigh* Lately my assignments are slowly getting the better of me... At least they aren't going too bad... Just need to pick myself up and do them... And I should be fine at the end of the day... But so far I feel a bit better returning to college... So many familiar faces and many new ones... I'm sad that one day I will be leaving this place... And everyone I care for behind...

That is one of the main reasons why I'm not confident to move to Japan... Part of me is excited... But part of me isn't... I feel there are so many things that need be done... and everyday I'm having less time to do it in... And as everyday draws closer... So does the the burden increases... I just want to go and lay back on the lands of my happy place... And just forget all the bad... and take in all the good... and hopefully... find the peace I'm looking for....

God doesn't want me to be bad! Literally!!

OK I know that its hard to believe but seriously though I don't think that God wants me to be bad/naughty/sinful or anything! And I know its hard to believe but this happened on many separate occasions but I'll give you 2 of the best examples;

OK one night be and my cousin were coming back from a Cyber Cafe cause we want some cousinly bonding together and when we left it was already very late... and we were both tired (especially our fingers) so when we arrived at this traffic light the light was red, and there was this one car that jumped the light and to be honest the distance to the other end isn't that far so as we were waiting I turned to my cousin and said "Hey you know what? I'm going to do something illegal for a change" I turned my gear from neutral to drive and suddenly, the moment my gear hit drive the light went green, my cousin couldn't stop laughing.

and today at college something else happened. I decided to go a bit late to college today and arrive just in time for classes and well ofcourse the carpark was full as usual. So when I was circling for a parking space, I spotted a nice position where my car could fit and if I parked there it would be considerd illegal cause I could actually block someone. So I positioned my car nicely and about a few minutes later this car which was in the parking spot NEXT to me came out and that spot was available for me to park my car!

Seriously, either this is good karma or God really doesn't want me to sin! LOL but it was interesting how these events keep happening and I'll be paying close attention to these "events" when they occur again :P

First Few Weeks of College...

I know I'm suppose to give a report on what happened on the "Friday the 13th" Talent Show event which happened last week... But I still have no news on who the winner was... So might update it in my next post about what happened... But right now I thought I'd just talk about how my couple of weeks back in college was...

Well I'm starting to like my lecturers and even though I might not be able to fully understand one of them... The subjects themselves are not that bad... but like I said... Started only a few weeks back... So I cant really give my full judgment...

Data Communication... Currently the class which I'm OK with I guess... Easy to understand and the lecturer is funny in a way and at least it allows me to keep awake in class with all her jokes and so forth...

Data Management... OK this class does remind me of some of my coding classes last semester... But it is slightly more complicated... And not just that... Sometimes I have trouble understanding what the lecturer...

More and more I feel I'm a bit more quite in college... Not as active as I was in my past few semesters... But I feel more focused on my studies and I feel a lot of changes in me... But I know its for the better...

Life so far...

Well... It's been exactly 3 Weeks after I returned to college... and the feeling is good yet... I always feel as if something is missing... As if a part of me that was once there had suddenly disappeared... But no matter what I must not let that stop me... I'm doing well at the moment... And I have to keep on moving...

But besides the missing part of me... Everything seems to be going well... I started giving tuition to my cousin Roz so that he can hopefully get a pass or even a credit for his Intro to IT... I know the boy can do it... just needs motivation...

He kinda reminds me of how I first started in HELP and I can see the determination in his eyes... but we both had something in common when I started in HELP... We were both... LAZY!! LOL!!

But I know he can do it... He worked so hard till now and I know he wants to get through it... And I wish you all who are in the B'Psych Department and those who are overstressed this semester, I know you are all having massive amounts of Assignments and work... From what I have learnt from giving tuition is that Success comes in many forms... Some work hard for it but may fall in the process... Others may believe that its so hard to accomplish the goals which are handed down to you... And some... Maybe need the correct motivation to be the best that he/she can be (A bit like me)... But nothing is impossible... And even though you feel like life is picking on you... Don't think that way... for it will only carry you down... Hold you head high and keep focusing on your goal... For if you have the will to succeed you can... And all the best to all of you... GAMBATTE!!

P.S: Don't forget to take plenty of rest inbetween as well everyone LOL

I'm worthless...

I'm so pathetic... I can never be able to live up to anything anymore... I can't take it... I can't move on... I'm all alone... I have no one... I just feel like sitting at the corner and just cry... until someone can come rescue me... but no one cares... no one seems to care what I have to say... No one seems to care what happens to me... I lost everything... Nothing to motivate me... No one to help me... No one to understand me... I hate it... I HATE THIS GOD DAMN FEELING!!

Why did I have to be so stupid... Worthless... I'm so... Worthless...

Why must everything be so difficult....

Why... why does this keep happening to me... Why cant I stop... Why cant I succeed... Why must everything be so difficult... WHY MUST IT BE SO GOD DAMN DIFFICULT...

No matter how much I try... I can't seem to get to where I want to be... It seems I am always unable to succeed at what I do... I've lost everything... Everything I hold dear to me... I feel like I'm losing trust from my family... I feel like the world doesn't want me to move on... No one is being supportive of me... No one seems to care... And all of this is reminding me of how lonely I was... How angry I use to be... How much rage... was Built up inside me...

Anger... Hatred... Betrayed... It's all triggering my negative emotions... I WANT IT TO STOP!! But I cant control it! I don't know who to turn to talk about it... And the people who I talk about it to don't take it seriously!! I had to cancel out my emotions in order to control myself... and to my luck it worked...

And lately... I found out a good friend of mine passed away... and he was such a good friend to me... I met him when I first started playing those trading card games... and we both became good friends along with a few others... and though he might have been around 4 - 5 years older then me... but he was a great friend nether less... And... just hearing he passed away... struck a blow in me... and we didn't know until the news came to where we were... Pak... may you rest in peace... And may the spirits guide you to your happy place...

When things just starts to go wrong... It just gets worse... worse to worst to unbearable... I feel like breaking down and crying right now... I just want the world to stop moving... and rewind to the time when I was happy... When everything was right... When everything was going well... And to when I was really happy with you my dear... I miss those days...

But... I musn't be defeated... I have to get up... I have to move on... I have to keep getting to where you are... I want you to be proud of me... And I may always have all these hardship... But I always here your voice in my head... you always telling me... "Go Zenji, you can do it... I have faith in you... Always..." I can't give up... not now... I can't fall... not again... I have to move on... I have to get there... I have to show everyone that I am worthy... and that I'm not a failure...

Days are long and hard...

Lately the performance preparations are getting a bit stressful lately, and I had to take many penadol tablets from last night to this morning... And I'm still having headache I'm able to hold it so I should be fine.

And lately a lot of things are on my mind... but right now I'm not ready to explain it and I don't know how to handle most of it... Should I just confess it? or just keep it in and hope that I'll start feeling better?

*Sigh*... I don't know...

I just want all these torment to end... and to allow me to be happy again...